Relationship communication?
In my practice I have intake forms that ask a lot of standard questions about the couple who I am about to start working with, things like name, address, phone, emergency contact, you get the idea. One of the last questions, which I pay a great deal of attention to is the question asking why they are coming to see me. Being a Couples Therapist I almost always, with few exceptions, get answers having to do with communication. “We can’t communicate…need help fixing our communication…no longer communicating”, or just simply, “communication issues” or “communication problems”.
It has always been interesting to me that when our relationship is in distress we generally define the issues we’re having as having something to do with communication. On the surface it seems kind of ridiculous as you probably started out communicating just fine. As with most new couples when we first meet we talk and talk and talk, sometimes long into the night over the phone or with endless text conversations. We didn’t just forget how to speak the language and are probably not having any trouble finding something to say to our partner when the moment gets heated, but something really strange happened along the way that severely affected our ability to get messages across to one we love. What happened and what we can do to restore the connection is what we are going to talk about in this article.
The birth of resentment
As couples come together and start dealing with the ups and downs of life we inevitably do something that our partner doesn’t like very much. In the beginning these impasses are easily forgiven and endless excuses are afforded to the injuring partner as to why they might have not been as sweet as they always have been in the past. Eventually we run out of our supply of unearned forgiveness and we protest the injury in some way. This protest can be misinterpreted by the injuring partner as an unwarranted attack to which can be met with a healthy dose of defensiveness, anger or withdraw. As these actions and reactions volley back and forth with increased defensiveness and anger on both sides, a healthy negative cycle is born.
An example of this might look like a woman who asks her husband why he doesn’t text her in the middle of the work day anymore, to which he has no good answer and doesn’t really want to talk about it. The woman might be telling herself that he doesn’t seem to love her like he used to and so she might ramp up her attempts to get his attention hoping to prove that she’s wrong. The man, who is under increased pressures at work, and is finding it difficult to think about anything other than work during the day hears his wife’s disappointment about not thinking of her and feels that he is failing her and doesn’t have a solution for it.
Securely attached couples deal with these matters by finding a way to understand the true intention of their partner, which is a certain antidote to resentment. As we replace our misperception of their actions with their true intent we gain empathy for them and are able to make sense of why they did what they did, or didn’t do. We don’t usually see these couples in therapy and if we do they aren’t there for long. The flip side of this coin are the couples who cannot repair on their own, who don’t talk about what happened, who can’t find out the true intent of their partner, and who go on believing their misperception of their partner’s actions. As this happens again and again, month after month and year after year, resentment for our once loved and cherished partner takes hold and doesn’t let go easily.
What we really mean by “communication problems”
Once resentment sets in and takes root it gets more and more difficult for lovers to hear each other. Because our partner has such a prominent role in our lives we take offense in a much deeper way when it seems that they are no longer there for us. We build a life with this person, we have children with this person, we make love to this person and yet they don’t seem to care for us, and that hurts. When we feel hurt like that it doesn’t take much to convince us that our “Mis”-perceptions are in fact the truth. We assign deep meaning to everything, body language, little comments, and nearly all the behaviors of the one who is betraying us on an almost daily basis.
When things reach this level of distress…most couples wait six more years before they seek help, if they seek help. You must be joking; no actually research has shown it to be true. If you and your partner are in that place you very well know it, everything is a fight, every day is filled with tension, and loving connection seems like a distant memory. There are obviously degrees to which different couples are engulfed in this cycle of resentment, some much worse than others and some are made worse by the presence of substance abuse, domestic violence and affairs.
So what can be done?
As an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist I focus on the negative cycle that has engulfed your relationship and is blocking connection. We tease out the misperceptions and the true emotions behind the actions that our couples see from their partner. We help couples have the kinds of conversations that they are unable to have on their own. So for example when the woman in the scenario above is in a session with her husband we would have her talk about how she feels like she is losing him when he doesn’t talk to her and how that makes her feel very lonely and afraid. We help the husband talk to his wife, helping him tell her that he can’t stand to disappoint her and how he just doesn’t have the words to tell her that in the moments that matter most. These types of emotionally heightened conversations in session help bring down resentment and bring up empathy for our partner, which helps us make sense of their actions.
Communication seems like such a simple thing on the surface, but because we’re humans and not robots we assign meaning to everything we hear. That meaning is shaped by our experiences, our view of ourselves, our view of others and the significance they hold in our lives. At our core we are desperate to connect with our loved ones, we are wired for that as human beings and that is why we place so much importance on those who are supposed to be closest to us, because they are special, they are the ones who have promised to be there when things get really scary or uncomfortable. We constantly test them to make sure they haven’t changed their mind because our brain has to be sure they can be counted on at all times.
As we can see communication is a complex process made up of our choice of words, our tone, our voice inflection, our body language and also our actions. Communication can be complex but usually have simple needs driving it. For couples in distress those needs are usually asking, “Are you there for me?”
Richard Tifft, M.A. (IMT #2482) is a professional Marriage and Family Therapist Intern working in Clearwater Florida. My passion is helping good people save their struggling relationships and helping love go the distance. RichardTifftMA.com
If you want to schedule with Richard call 727-223-1625
