Common Questions

 

Seeking Marriage or Couples Counseling can be a scary proposition for many people, therefore I have put together some answers to a number of common questions that I often hear from clients regarding their desire to seek therapy.

 

What is the Free Phone Consultation?

Though a phone consult is not required to schedule a session I make it available as a
means for one or both of you to gain the comfort necessary to schedule your first
session. The phone consult is scheduled so that both of you can be part of it and so that
we have the time to talk about me or my services in enough depth for your satisfaction.
A big part of your success in any type of counseling comes from your comfort level and
trusted relationship with your therapist. My website, your phone consult and our initial
session are meant to allow you to get a feeling for me and to help you decide if I am the
right therapist for you.

When should couples seek Marriage Counseling?

The decision to seek Marriage or Couples counseling is a very personal one between you and your partner. Sometimes one partner will coerce the other to go to counseling and that never usually works out well because for counseling to be successful all of the participants need to be willing participants. If you feel like the two of you need relationship counseling but your partner is not willing to go you can allow for a lot of change to happen by engaging in therapy on your own. This often times has the effect of showing the unwilling partner that you are serious about improving your relationship and can sometimes make it more likely that they will decide to join you. Even if they do not, the changes that you make will allow for your partner to also make changes. Research has shown that couples often wait up to 6 years after the relationship enters distress before they seek couples counseling.

 

Should I get Individual Counseling to go with our Couples Counseling?

Sometimes people believe that they or their partner should get individual therapy either before or during their couples counseling. I have seen people feel like if they have their own individual therapist they will have a place where they can be heard and understood outside of the couples setting. Others feel like either they or their partner have an issue that should be worked out in individual counseling before they will agree to engage in couples. I find that most times neither one of these scenarios is necessary. Good couples counseling will eliminate the need for either of these because you will be heard and understood in the couples setting and what often seems like a mental health issue can simply be the symptoms of a dysfunctional relationship. Good couples counseling is as close to a silver bullet solution as you can get.

 

What is Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy?

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy was founded by Susan Johnson in the 80’s and is a therapeutic model for working with distressed couples. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, or EFT as it is most commonly known, is one of the most researched therapeutic models that exists today and has been shown to have a better than 7 in 10 likelihood of success, even when couples are interviewed years after they complete therapy. EFT works because it allows people to understand their partner in a new way, in essence it allows us to see the world through their eyes. This new understanding allows for greater empathy for our partner, thus reducing the resentment that can build up after years of impasses and emotional injuries. If you are considering Couples Counseling I would recommend the book “Hold Me Tight” by Susan Johnson as a way to get more familiar with EFT and to also get you and your partner started on the path to healing and deepening your bond. EFT is exclusively the model that I work from when I work with couples and I am well along the way to being a certified EFT therapist.

 

How successful is Couples Counseling?

Success in any type of counseling depends on several factors. One is the willingness of the client to allow for change and to be committed to the therapeutic process. Another is the alliance that you build between you and your therapist, in other words if you don’t like your therapist or you have little faith in them, it doesn’t bode well for you to achieve success. It’s important to find a therapist that you and your partner seem to jive with in whatever way is important to you. The last variable is the therapeutic model that the therapist uses and how well they practice it. I work exclusively from the EFT framework which has a nearly 80% success rate when clients complete the full course of therapy. To read more check out my Blog post Does Marriage Counseling Work?

 

What should you ask in Couples Counseling?

If you’re looking for couples therapy then you should find someone who specializes in couples therapy. There are many therapists out there who see couples when a couple calls but they may also be doing a lot of other types of therapy as well. In other words many therapists are a “Jack of all Trades” or a “Generalist”. If you are looking for the best possible shot at success for you and your partner ask your potential therapist how much of their client base is couples. You might also ask what model they work from and how much training they have had in that model. Unlike the medical field you can usually find a therapist that specializes in a particular area and it isn’t going to cost you much more than a therapist who practices as a generalist. To read more check out my Blog post What to Expect in Couples Therapy?

 

What is the importance of Premarital Counseling?

There is certainly no such thing as an insurance policy for your marriage but if there is anything remotely close it would be for you and your partner to go through premarital counseling with an experienced premarital counselor. Research has shown that divorce is highest in early marriage when you are still trying to navigate your new life together. Some couples feel that their “rocky” relationship will be better off if they’re married, and worse yet if they have children. Other couples simply do not have the communication and conflict resolution skills they need to help them recover from the disagreements and fights that are sure to follow once married. With so many marriages ending in divorce, the children of those broken marriages have not had the advantage of watching their parents successfully repair their bond after an ugly fight. Many of us, including me in my first marriage, brought that lack of skill into our marriages where we eventually found ourselves divorced. Going through premarital counseling is one of the soundest investments you can make in your upcoming marriage. Going into your marriage with the skills and awareness that you will gain from premarital counseling gives you and your partner a tremendous advantage over those who decided that “Love is all we need”.

 

Couples Counseling with infidelity

Infidelity, Affairs and Cheating all mean the same thing when they are discovered. One partner in the relationship has betrayed the sacred bond that most couples cherish and the injured partner is now faced with a mountain of hurt feelings and endless questions about the how this could have happened. This event is often what drives couples to seek relationship counseling though it might have been needed long before this time. Unfortunately infidelity is usually the result of an already suffering connection where one partner makes a poor choice about how satisfy their need for connection. In EFT we have very distinct methods for helping to pick up the pieces after an affair and help both partners better understand how they arrived at this breaking point. Successful repair of this type of injury requires that the injuring partner has completely ended the extra relationship and is fully committed to their primary partner and to that relationship. The injury repair is coupled with the normal course of EFT therapy so that the original issues can be addressed along with the current injury.

 

Counseling Codependency in Relationships

Our culture has dictated that being Codependent is problematic and should be addressed. In the world of EFT we do not believe in the notion that needing another human being is a problem. In fact Sue Johnson is quoted as saying “There is no such thing as Codependency, there is only effective and ineffective dependency.” As human beings we depend on each other for survival and in fact we are hard wired for connection. We do not function well in isolation and most of us long for love, reassurance and acceptance, therefore we are not codependent, instead we are social mammals that function best in secure relationships with other humans. When communication between us breaks down to the point where we can no longer get that reassurance from our partners we are experiencing ineffective dependency. In other words asking yourself why you so badly need his or her reassurance does not make you codependent, it only makes you a human who cannot get what you need from the person who means the most to you. To read more check out my Blog post Am I in a Codependent Relationship?

 

Couples Counseling for gay and lesbian couples

The very same dynamics tend to play out between same sex couples as they do with opposite sex couples. EFT has been shown to work well with same sex couples. Although I am in a heterosexual relationship I don’t feel like that in any way inhibits my ability to work successfully with gay and lesbian clients as I have many times.

 

Couples Counseling with infertility

My wife and I have personally experienced the difficulties around infertility and the effect it can have on your relationship. The EFT framework helps couples better understand what it means for each partner to go through this experience and helps them communicate the potential grief and loss to each other in a way that it can be heard and understood.

 

I think my partner might be a Narcissist

People in relationship distress often believe their partner has a Mental Health condition that is causing them to act as they are. Therapists that come from the EFT worldview believe that many of the behaviors that some see as deserving of a Mental Health diagnosis are really just the visible signs of a person in attachment distress. For example if someone feels that they can’t trust their partner to be there for them when they need them most they may start to shut down or get angry more than they ever did before. They might seem cold, selfish and out for themselves at all costs. Some would say that this makes them a Narcissist, we would say it makes them lonely and unable to ask for what they need.

 

I think my partner might be Bi-Polar

Bi-Polar disorder might be the most over diagnosed Mental Health conditions on the planet. The requirements that you have to meet, per the DSM-V, to legitimately qualify for Bi-Polar disorder are very rare and occur in less than 1% of the population. This does not however keep couples from believing that because their partner can be fine one minute and then suddenly be in a fit of rage that they must be Bi-Polar. Bi-Polar actually has little to do with anger as it is about having severe bouts of depression with some occasional manic episodes, which are very different than anger. EFT therapists are generally “non-pathologizing”, which means we don’t like to believe that you have a Mental Health issue that would explain erratic behavior, but rather we would believe you might be struggling with ineffective ways of trying to connect with the person that means so much to you.

 

I think my partner is Depressed, My relationship has me feeling Depressed

Feelings of Depression when in a distressed relationship is a very common experience. When you think about this from an attachment view you can understand that as humans we long for connection to our love partners who are typically our primary attachment figures. Getting reassurance from our partner that they will be there for us and will care for us, no matter what, is so crucial that if we cannot get that reassurance anxiety and depression are sure to follow. Once the negative cycle sets into our relationship and we lose the ability to maintain connection to our partners it hurts us right down to our core. As things get worse we start to feel lonely and trapped in a relationship that we are committed to but can’t see any hope for. This is where the power of EFT comes in, once the negative cycle is identified and understood we start to see that hope for our relationship and the cloud of depression starts to lift. In a very ironic life twist, our love partners have the very unique ability to both kill us and to cure us.

 

Couples Counseling with addiction

There are four scenarios where EFT therapy will not be suggested for a particular couple. The first is if one of the partners has already decided to leave the relationship and has not disclosed this to their partner (an Agenda). Second, if one of the partners has had an affair and the affair is still ongoing. Third, if one or both of the partners has an issue with an addiction that they have not sought treatment for and the addiction is still ongoing. And lastly, if there is ongoing Domestic Abuse in the relationship. An addiction from the EFT lens is similar to having an affair in that the substance or behavior has taken precedence over the other partner in the relationship. In other words we cannot work on the bond between the two people when there is a third party (substance or behavior) still in the mix taking attention away from relationship. An addiction has to be in remission before we can start couples counseling.

 

Couples Counseling with domestic violence

As was stated in the previous answer ongoing Domestic Abuse is one of the four reasons why we would not proceed with couples counseling. The reason for this is that the EFT model puts people in very vulnerable positions that could be used as leverage points by an abusive partner. The existence of past abuse that has been treated and taken responsibility for is not a barrier for couples counseling using the EFT model.